A Bunch of Reasons Why Writing Is Not (Always) a Frolic in the Flowers

Depicted: A realistic reproduction of a serious writer at work.

I am writing this spontaneous article because I have noticed a certain idea appearing with rapid frequency in writing circles.
The idea is that writing depends on talent and is just a bunch of fun. Write whatever you can and enjoy yourself! You said you didn't want to go to college and/or get a job that might involve monotonous, hard work? Perfect! Just become a writer! Surely you can think of something to write, and if you can't, just resort to fantasy or romance. Kids just eat that junk up nowadays! Just think of all the great advantages there are to becoming a writer: you'll be famous, you'll be rich, and most importantly, you won't have to learn anything or work ever again! Hooray!

Bah, humbug. Enough frivolity. Let's be Frank about this.

Depicted: Frank.

Any job or hobby should be enjoyable -- that's a given for any occupation one wants to commit to. If there is no joy in doing something, then you will never be able to properly commit yourself to it and you will never be able to achieve what you want to achieve in it. By saying this, I am not criticizing people who take on jobs they hate just because they need the money. Far from it, I am inclined to excuse this kind of people, the economy being what it is, though I am inclined to blow a raspberry in the general direction of anybody who becomes an artist for the sole reason of making lots of money off of nothing.
Because apparently that's what the general public thinks artists are: free-loaders, parasites, socialites, eccentrics, anti-garbagemen -- instead of bringing the garbage away, they unload lots of it into our museums, onto our shelves, into our ears and onto our television screens and computer monitors.

I hardly need to say that a real artist is none of these things. Fake artists, on the other hand, are all of these things, and then some.

A real writer in his natural state, in the middle of his habitat.

Writing should be fun, but like any art, it requires the artist not only to have fun, but two other things beside: it requires talent and know-how. As in, you have to know how to write. Sounds easy? Well, I've been learning how to write for the past eleven years, ever since I was an itty-bitty kid.
And before you say that I'm a sassy ass who is not a famous published writer after a decade of learning the craft of writing, let me give you a front-page newsflash head-line: Learning how to write is an endless process. You stop learning how to write when you kick the bucket. Until then, you're a student of everything. And I do mean everything.

You'd be surprised as to how useful this can be when writing a love poem involving Vikings.

A writer is obliged to know a little about everything, both old and new, familiar and foreign. If you're not the kind of person who likes or can even afford to travel everywhere and experience everything, then you'd better hit the books. First-hand experience is always the best kind of experience however, since you can't understand society without getting involved with society, but unfortunately not all of us are Hemingways or Greenes. And we sure as hell ain't Tolstoys neither. Thank goodness there are people out there who have experienced these things for us, so all we need to do is lots and lots of research, slogging through heaps of books and internet articles until we know every nook and cranny of every place, person and period in our story. But again -- while we may learn to understand the gears and cogs of society through certain books, we still need to experience the throes and the rose-water that society puts its members through.

What's so important about getting to know society? Well, 99% of all fiction writing (and, I would dare say, a fair share of non-fiction writing as well) concerns itself with society. We write about the world -- we writers are witnesses to the crimes and indignations that occur in quiet provincial towns or on the battlefield, we are chroniclers of the marvelous inventions and adventures made by mankind, we are literary photographers of the phantasmic creations of nature.
In short, a writer observes, understands and notes down what he's seen either into a direct (as non-fiction often is) or indirect (as fiction often is) account, using the laws of proper grammar and an easy, comprehensible way and a good style.
I've told you the importance of observing society and the core value of the writer, but what's all this about grammar laws and style?

Firstly, good grammar is required to facilitate reading.

Imagine reading a book where everything was written like this. Your eyeballs would free themselves from your head, track down the author with malicious intent and then get arrested for attempted murder. And nobody wants their eyeballs to wind up in prison.

Secondly, good grammar gives the reader as well as fellow writers and editors the chance to take you seriously and recognize your potential.

...and Mayor Stranczek was never taken seriously ever again. No excetions.

And thirdly, the laws of grammar (that includes spelling) are so constructed, that if you adhere to them, you are likelier to communicate a meaning with more ease than if you went willy-nilly with a bunch of words and hoped that wherever they fell on paper, they will make some sort of an understandable sentence.

This is a classic example of how mistakes are made: is this an ad for a funeral home, or is it an ice cream store? The fact that it's run by McNutt further complicates matters. A passer-by could easily make a grave error. *badum-tish*

I also mentioned writing in an easy, comprehensible way and using a good style.
An easy, comprehensible way is, in my mind at least, a style that makes the written text easy to read. That means that sentences are not only grammatically correct, but they are not labyrinthine monsters that are trying to escape from the maws of a jellyfish gold digger that is trying to find its way out of the gold rush spiral it had gotten itself into in the first place by primarily listening to the sweet, sullen words of a sultry swan and secondarily by reading a guide on Alpine skiing, which is, as we all know, very, very highly dangerous, not because of the physical risks, no, but because of the torturous weather that tortures the skiiers going down-hill on their tortuous slopes or going up-hill on a ski lift made from barb wire.

Above is an example of a terrible style. It is hard to understand, it is nonsensical, it is filled with lots of confusion. Not to mention it is also rather silly. 

An easy way or style does not necessarily entail short sentences, sparse punctuation or a minimal usage of rhetoric devices. Far from it -- some of the world's best writers, such as Leo Tolstoy, have written sentences that are well over a page in length, and yet by some miracle (or, which is likelier, by the authors' high degree of brilliant intellect) these lengthy sentences still retain all of the meaning without any of the confusion.
And yet some of the world's best writers have also written entire chapters filled with sentences that are little over two lines in length, and yet by some miracle these succinct sentences still retain all the pleasantness without any of the monotony.

However, an easy style does not mean that the style is good. It simply means that you are darn close to reaching a good style. But to complete the final step towards your very own enjoyable literary style, you need to attain that certain je-ne-sais-quois quality in your writing that makes the reader forget that he's just read through one, two, five, ten pages of your work. You could be writing about a sailor tying a knot and the reader will willingly read through the entire process from start to finish, simply because you have that je-ne-sais-quois.
There is little more I can tell you about this mysterious aspect of style, except that it cannot be taught, bought, learned or earned. You'll just have to discover it on your own literary adventures.

Just like mystery meat, the contents of the literary je-ne-sais-quois cannot be divulged. And just like mystery meat, it cannot be explained through any means known to science.

 

In case it hasn't been made clear enough, allow me to tell you why getting a good style and writing in an easy way and following grammar rules is more than a romp in Berchtesgarten with Adolf and Eva.
To get a good style, you need to observe examples of good, bad and ugly styles. That means you have to read a lot from dozens of other writers, classic and modern, genius and trash. Reading tunes your literary ear -- there are very, very few writers who were not born tone-deaf.
To write in an easy way and to perfect your style, you need to practice a hell of a lot. Write everything that takes your fancy, write whenever you feel like it and write when you don't feel like it. Whatever excuse you have, just write!
And to follow grammar rules, you will need to learn grammar. In addition to this, and in addition to the research you will be doing for your story, you will need to study more about the language than just grammar. You will have to get used to thesauruses, visual dictionaries and word menus until you're sure enough of your vocabulary that you never have to look another dictionary in its ugly mug ever again.

How grotesque.

So, to all of you writers out there who think that writing does not involve hard work or brains: go to hell. I am not even being metaphoric about it. I mean you should literally go to hell. Get a map, pinpoint Hell, book a one-way flight, pack your shoesies and go straight to Hell.

Even the road sign is embarrassed that it's in Hell.

Writing is pain, pleasure, hard work, fun, long, short, grey, orange and dotted with pink. And if you're a writer who's been through all of that, then you deserve my sincere admiration and platonic love.
And if you're a writer who is undaunted by all of this and is determined as heck to write, let me tell you: Keep doing what you're doing, and you'll make it to the top of the charts. We all will make it to the top of the charts. We'll be Queen and Michael Jackson and Phil Collins saddling the top of the rock charts for aaages.

Wrong rock chart.

That's better.


- Chris Wager